* When Mick was 18, it was like many other students studying for exams and scrounging enough money to enter the parts of the weekend.
But there was a big difference between Mick and his friends first year: He was hired.
“I remember being the only son committed to the orientation of the university and all men are surprised,” Mick said.
But now the 25-year-old is not married. Or divorced.
He is unique.
Mick canceled wedding years ago, something that occurs in about 13 percent of commitments, according to statistics from a research company called the marriage relationship.
Mick, down on one knee was not the scariest moment of his life, was the prospect of going through a marriage that did not want.
Therefore, he asked all your marriage, your relationship, your true future.
Breaking a monumental commitment is a difficult decision, and there is no true and tested rules that will guide you through the process.
There are, however, stories of real men and women who have pulled the plug. Consider your advice if your feet feel cold.
Early warning signs
Perhaps the question is opened at an early age, as Mick.
He proposed to his girlfriend in the summer after his senior year.
“Having grown up in communities with traditional ideals, the rule was first the date when he falls in love, and then married, having children,” said Mick, “I thought.” Well, we did the first two stages, it might also work on the next one. ”
But this is a wrong way to approach a wedding, said Jonathan Alpert, L.M.H.C. consultant based in New York.
“Often, there is no hurry to the wedding,” Alpert said, “and people get married for the wrong reasons.”
The search for the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the younger you are when you decide to marry, more likely they are to stay there.
Most experts Pin it for young couples lack the maturity, experience, and skills to make a final or young union tying the knot for the wrong reasons abilities.
Mick and his girlfriend, who went to another school in a different time zone, the writing was on the wall. In the middle of the first year, the couple broke off their engagement.
“We decided we’re not together, and we should not hold each other back new experiences and meet other people,” he said. “Part of me thought after college, just jump back into it.”
But they did not. While they remained in contact throughout the school, Mick has not seen his ex in 3 years.
Questioning its foundations
There are many things to consider before deciding to get married, and nervousness is normal.
There must be discussed fundamental issues, such as children or religion, said Justin Lavner, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of Georgia.
It is also important, however, is how to answer these questions and more. Think about what happens when you talk about difficult topics with your partner Are you able to work through them, or make your conversations lead to big fights without resolution?
If you start to wonder if someone is right for you, or if you can not work through their struggles without blowing a cover should talk to a therapist, Lavner said.
By trusting your gut
Even if you agree in essence, the number of children you want, how you will manage finances, something that could not be right again.
Pay special attention to how you feel when you approach the wedding preparations.
It was this step that sank 27 years * Beth, who called his commitment when he was 23 years old.
Bet She hit when she and her fiancé began to write the end to pay for your reception room check.
“We both looked at each other, realizing that not only do not want to spend $ 9000 on this deposit, also totally out of sync for a while,” Beth said.
Similar: 20 subtle clues she is breaking up with you
Beth and her boyfriend had a weekend away from the other.
“I was confused because we had all the great conversations,” he said. “We have developed our money, we noticed the number of children they wanted, and we had half a registered deposit for a house. We were following all perfect shot.”
But something was missing.
“Part of me wanted a bit of a disaster,” he said. “Maybe I’ll I travel somewhere. Maybe I suggest the whole country or volunteer in Africa. None of this seemed possible while she was with him.”
How to call participation
When Beth and her boyfriend met again on Monday, they both knew what was coming.
“We sat on the bed and cried,” he said. “I told him I could not marry him when I had so many questions. I do not even fight for it”, which, somehow, that much of the right decision in my mind.
Have a great conversation of this kind may seem extremely scary or impossible. But when you deliver the blow, focus on being clear, honest and respectful, Lavner said.
Practice your speech and preparing a quiet response to all possible questions: “Why now?” “What we do”, “What are your reasons”?
Sometimes the reasons are obvious.
After vendors have reserved and invitations, 30 were sent Erik * took his girlfriend with a former pendant. Right off the bat that will not break in place, he started his own business.
The wedding was in two months. Hoping to save their relationship, they have postponed the big day, blaming a hiccup with the place.
However, two weeks later, the couple threw in the towel.
What about the hundreds of guests who want what is said?
Designate a messenger just like her mother or best friend to call each client, suggesting wedding planner Crystal Adair-Benning, owner of different occasions.
“It’s always better to talk directly with customers,” says Adair-Benning.
Your spokesperson should be prepared for questions, but should not feel the need to respond to all the “why” he said.
The cost of canceling a wedding
Latest news: weddings cost a lot of money. In 2014, couples spend an average of $ 31,213 on their wedding, according to a study by The Knot.
When you say “I do” instead of “I”, the tab can be costly. So what can be saved? And who pays for what is outstanding?
Do not take into account the costs quickly and things get ugly, says Allison Moir-Smith, a counselor for newlyweds who are concerned about marriage. He saw couples meet in court over payments and fees.
His best line: “I know this is painful, but in the coming weeks, I find a way to talk to you or someone in your family about how we can solve the financial aspect of it.”
If you were to cut bait, you should be ready to take most of the blow, said Kristen Maxwell Cooper, associate editor knot.
Although Beth was able to recover some expenses, “I lost $ 100 on hair and makeup artists, $ 3,000 for the first deposit of the room, and $ 1,125 filing dress,” he said.
“I wish I could say that starts with me,” said Beth, “but it was very, ‘he called you all, you pay the price.”
That’s where the negotiation with suppliers can be significant, said Maxwell Cooper. Make sure you know the policies of each provider and cancellation deadlines.
The place is the most difficult to find deposits, said Maxwell Cooper, as it is more expensive and that book further in advance is necessary. Will have better luck with the photographer, florist and baker he said.
Most couples who are called out they decide to cancel their honeymoon. But CanceledWeddings.com allows you to resell honeymoons and not used for events.
What to do with engagement ring
Then there is the ring. Ask yourself to himself again? To stay? Break into pieces?
“If the groom cancels wedding, the bride technically does not have to give back,” said Maxwell Cooper.
But if the cut bait married, she must give up the ring, she said.
“If the ring is a family heirloom, you should always go back to the family came, whatever the reason, the marriage was annulled,” said Maxwell Cooper.
Mick said he never asked for the ring. “It would be good in one of my fingers,” he joked.
Erik agrees. “I was given was hers,” he said. “He represented the good times with my best friend at the time, and I wanted to keep it.”
After Erik and his girlfriend broke up, he vowed to be occupied by their mental health. “I’ve worked a lot on personal projects that had been putting off for years,” he said.
He moved with friends. He opened his colleagues. In the process, he dropped his concern for the “under investigation” and discovered how ready people were listening when I needed to vent.
Bet also attributes a strong support system to help your movement, but that does not mean she was not sad.
“I cried, of course,” he said. “When a friend of ten years thought I would always end naturally make you sad.”
But there is a positive side to sadness, Moir-Smith said. “It can make you more cautious in relationships in the future.”
Take your time. “It is important to work through why your previous relationship ended before entering a new,” Lavner, Professor of Psychology said. If you thought I was not ready to say “I do”, focus on your career or personal hobbies.
Or change your order. “We know that the models we had in previous relationships affect new relationships,” Lavner said.
Think about the things you liked about their relationship, and all things that do not work in the end. Make sure the reference point for its next report.
The most important thing to remember
Ultimately, if you have doubts about walking down the aisle, always keep a person in mind: You.
“Stop thinking about the lost money, Save-the-dates already left the ring, the apartment, and the dog,” says Beth. “Stop thinking about anything or anyone but yourself. It’s your life.”
When asked, not one of the people in this story regretted away instead of walking down the aisle.
“If you think to call it off, do it,” Mick said. “He laughed and could be the healthiest choice for you and your partner.”
“And financially speaking,” he adds, “screw a divorce from your bank account to harder to lose a deposit in one place.”
* Names have been changed